Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So squirting runs in the family.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
