see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
