My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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