Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
