I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
