lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
home. puking in laundry basket.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
