she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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