the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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