I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
