K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
