The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
