He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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