i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
