Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My bed smells like the plague
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
