That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
