WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
