yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
