Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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