Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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