yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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