Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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