I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
