The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
