if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
