Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
