guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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