i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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