I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
