i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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