playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
