I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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