You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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