You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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