I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
