Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
