I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
