even my farts smell like vagina
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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