You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Every concussion has its silver lining
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
