dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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