We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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