I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
