you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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