I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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