I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
