take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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