Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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