when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
