a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
