yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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