I can tuck mytits in my pants
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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