I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
