I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
